If I Come Up Missing, This Is Why

Posted November 17, 2011 by MissShellySays in My Life

This morning I woke up to a very interesting message.

I have to try one more time. You look amazing and I am drawn to you. They say it’s not about the looks, I know. But sometimes it is. I’m gonna come straight out and say it. I want you to bear my children. The look that you have physically is unbelievable. Pictures 7 and 9 are the most amazing to me because it shows a voluptuous woman in great shape with a strong mid section, back and legs. Man, we would make beautiful babies together (four or five would be a good number). I’m doing well financially and come from a well connected family. Even if u somehow didn’t like me and left me for another man at least we would bring four or five kids in this world that would change it for the better. I’ve never said anything like this before and probably never will again, but I had to let u know what I was thinking. P.s. In my next message I’ll tell u how much I liked what u had to say

Now, I realize the internet is fair game. Social networks and online dating sites almost serve the same purpose at this point. And I’m very open to online attempt to connect. Some women are bothered, but I’m ok with it as long as you have some couth about yourself. Personally I have tried to tweet Maxwell on several occasions so who am I to judge your online pimpin? But, I’m gonna need for men to seriously consider the creepiness factor when approaching a woman online. Being behind the screen gives people the balls to say whatever they want. The good news is, it also gives me the ability to ignore you without the threat of being called a bitch (oh Baltimore, how I love you). And that is what I’m gonna do. Because I’m pretty sure if I turn him down directly he will seek me out, tie me up, and lock me in his basement. I just know it. And this is why I pay ADT every month.

Now lets dissect this is a little bit:

“You look amazing and I am drawn to you….They say it’s not about the looks. But sometimes it is…. I want you to bear my children. The look that you have is physically unbelievable.”

The stalker bell is ringing loud and clear. I’m cute, but ‘physically unbelievable’ is a stretch. Nicki Minaj and Buffy the Body have proportions are physically unbelievable. Mine are good, but I’m not out here getting accused of having fake parts so I think people are indeed believing their eyes. Although, the lady in Nordstrom who does the bra fittings said my boobs were uncharacteristically perky for their size so maybe he’s on to something…. But that’s neither here nor there. Basically dude is saying it’s not me he wants, it’s my genes. If that is the case, I might be able to sell him a couple of eggs for a small fee. But it ain’t no way I’m finna pop out 4 or 5 kids. No sir.

“it shows a voluptuous woman in great shape with a strong midsection, back and legs”

Oh my. By the time I got to the strong back I was pretty sure he wanted me to work on his plantation. He can’t be serious. Again, I’m cute, but generally my amount of jibbly bits is not considered “great shape”. But hey, clearly he likes a fluffier woman. Ok, I’ll rock with that. They all come around eventually 🙂  But how exactly did you determine my midsection was strong? You find some abs somewhere because I ain’t never in my life seen such a thing. Although I’m sure they are in there somewhere because I surprised a trainer with the amount of crunches I could do. But yeah…….. that section reads like an ad for a slave auction to me. No sir.

 “I am well-off financially and come from a well-connected family.”

Translation: “I am a pompous asshole. And I’m rich like NeNe Leakes.”

“Even if you left me for another man at least we would bring 4 or 5 kids into this world and that would change it for the better.”

See?!?! He just wants my eggs!! Then he thinks he can leave me for the next hot young thing. No sir!

“I have never said anything like this before and probably never will again.”

Translation: “If you do not respond, I am sending this exact same message to LisaRaye.”

“In my next message I will tell you how much I liked what you had to say.”

Translation: “This is all about looks. I know nothing else about you. But if you do respond I will feign interest in whatever it is you have to until I can convince you to let me raw dog” 🙁

This message came at 6AM. So dude was up early with this. Either that, or I was his last stop after a late night of internet porn. Lord, I hope I am not the reason his keyboard is sticky. I just had to share this because it was too much to keep to myself. Until next time…..




    1. that young man has some serious issues
    2. it definitely read like a wanted ad for a good strong slave. guaranteed your first kid would be named Toby.
    3. LMAO @ “if you do not respond i’m sending this exact same message to LisaRaye”
    4. i’d be inclined to think he wrote this message THEN went to internet porn. probably BBW type stuff. as such, you are, in fact, likely part of the reason he needed to clean off his keyboard. sorry.

    T Dot

    OMG!!!! This is extra creepy!! Who is this man? Do you know him? Was this sent via facebook? This is WAAAAY TOO MUCH for me!!!

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