Beyonce is pregnant! And you care!

Now I had planned to do a recap on the VMA’s. But at the end of the night, nothing on that stage really matters except the baby bump. Do you honestly recall ANYTHING else happening? Of course not.

I was just beside myself when I found out. If you know me, you know I love Beyonce and Jay-Z like they my cousins. Or my husband and sister-wife. Either way, I was excited! Hell, I’m excited just to have a pregnancy I can BE excited about. I’m tired of all these “oops” situations where I have to have an internal debate about whether it’s a gift or a curse. Finally, I can genuinely feel congratulatory.

Now, I expected pandemonium from the stans. Fainting. Crying. Tattoos of sonograms. Crocheted House of Dereon booties… stuff like that. What I did not anticipate was the backlash. I mean, what kind of person is mad that a married couple is expecting? Twitter, Huffington Post, CNN and every other open forum on the internet is full of negative comments ranging from how “tacky” the announcement was to saying the pregnancy is just a ploy to keep her relevant. Who hates on a married couple having a baby?

Haters, sit down. Beyonce has never had a day of irrelevance, as evidenced by the fact that she outsold every other pop star this year despite her album being the last released. Yes, she outsold Lady Gaga, Katy Perry, Rihanna, Britney, and anyone else you can think of. So she is clearly still quite relevant. On top of that, she is so epicly relevant that Britney had to introduce her while receiving her own Video Vanguard award (MTV equivalent of a Lifetime Achievement Award). When has a lifetime achievement award winner had to use their time to introduce another performer? LET THEM EAT CAKE!!

And I know there are a people reading this, rolling their eyes, and insisting that they don’t care about Beyonce’s insemination and that none of us should either. Well, lemme tell you why you should care:

Top 10 reasons why you care:

Jay-Z ain’t no spring chicken. The Beyonce WombWatch has been going on for about fifty-leben years, and finally, she took that IUD out so that Jay could be a daddy before he gets social security. Yay for Jay and Bee! Love ya’ll!
Watching Kanye get so happy for Jay is refreshing . In the age of Maury “You are NOT the father” celebration dougies, this display of JOY from men really just warmed my heart.
Beyonce is a grown ass married woman who waited until after the ring to get preggo. Well after. Hallelujah! *does praise dance* And at this juncture in Black life, that is a rarity. Give her a damn round of applause for being better at life than you are and stop watching Teen Mom.
That was the best mic drop since Sexual Chocolate. THE BEST!!!! Wayne’s mic drop at the close of the show was definitely the lesser.
Jay seemed to be genuinely glowing. They both were. Black love! Black love! Black love!!!!! How can you look at that and be MAD? If you are, you are a pure ass hater from the depths of your soul for NO REASON AT ALL. Hate her music, her wigs, her outfits, whatever…. But you just cannot justify hating on that glow.
Mama Tina might reveal suggested baby names for us to laugh at. Mama Tina should probably refrain from both designing clothes and naming children, but you know she won’t stop. And we must give her due respect for birthing our Queen.
Keri Hilson told Beyonce to sit down and have some babies. Little did she know that Beyonce could have her baby live during a sold out concert in Madison Square Garden, in stilettos, not miss a single note, and killing all the choreography the gay community could possibly supply! All while Keri sits home and watches yet another awards show that she isn’t invited to on TV, and checks to see if “Pretty Girl Rock” video has had any more hits in YouTube since her mama’s internet went down. Keri girl, you go make some mixtapes while this fetus’ first cry outsells you on iTunes.
Watching Twitter try to come up with a term for this baby (and fake twitter handles) is hilarious. After all, we only get 140 characters. I’ve seen Golden Fetus, Brooklyn Carter, Baby Carter, Carter Fetus, The Royal Fetus, Jayonce, etc. We need to come up with one thing and stick to it. As the Carters are Black Royalty (second only to Barack & Michelle, and edging out Will & Jada), the baby must have an official title to carry us through until it has a real name.
Pools are forming about who the baby will look like. I have heard no less than 10 people express grave concern that this baby will look like Jay-Z. No one wants her to have a girl for fear that it will look just like it’s daddy (poor Willow Smith). I’m inclined to think the baby will resemble Beyonce because Bey looks more and more like her mama every day. *fingers crossed*
Beyonce’s kid already has the biggest and most bedazzled collection of onesies EVER. All passed down from mommy dearest. So you can be happy for them and not even have to buy them a shower gift. Win-win!