Millennium Dating Rules

A couple weeks ago, a friend of mine texted me and asked me if she should send this dude a naughty pic. At first I thought this hilarious, but then I thought about it and realized this has become an everyday thought process in the age of the smartphones and celeb nudes leaking all the time. I mean, who hasn’t seen Chris Brown’s, Rihanna’s, and your homey’s jumpoff’s goods? So, I got to thinking… what are the things we ladies have to think about 2012 that are moms didn’t?

Personally, I done been on like a million dates. Dates people – not vagina mileage. Calm down! There were good ones, bad ones, and a few I have permanently deleted from my memory banks. So, I have a little bit of experience in this millenial dating game. So drawing on my experiences and those of some friends, here’s some tips for all my ladies still having fun searching for the one:

1. Don’t send any pics you don’t want on WSHH. At the absolute least, crop your face and that big ass tattoo out. Your mama is gonna recognize you fool.
2. There’s a fine line between not wanting to seem like a gold digger and “this n*gga don’t like you enough to buy you some damn popcorn”. If a dude likes you, he is going to want to treat you well. Well depends on his means so adjust your expectations accordingly. But if he got new Jordans but he wanna go dutch on a movie, move on. I hate to see women trickin off on dudes who clearly just aren’t that into them.
3. Don’t get too excited off that good morning text. I mean, it was nice, but he prolly sent that to all his bitches.
4. If he got a phone you don’t know the number to, he ain’t shit.
5. If he always places his phone face down, he ain’t shit.
6. If his boys are smiling in you face, he forwarded that picture. Check Worldstar immediately.
7. There’s no sense in going through his phone. He has an app to hide the evidence…. unless he’s really stupid. In which case, you’re stupid for sleeping with him.

8. If your first date is at your place or his place, you will never go anywhere else. Ever.

9. Never tell a dude you’re on the pill. Best to keep them as scared as possible.
10. If he puts you in his profile pic, start shopping for wedding dresses.
11. A a minimum, wait at least 30 days between partners. That way, you will know who the daddy is for sure should you end up on Maury. If he’s too fine, wait longer, just to make sure you like him and not the abs.
12. Peep his homies before you sleep with him. There is nothing worse than going out with one guy and then meeting his homie who is cuter/funnier but is now off limits cuz he thinks you smashed da homie.
13. Maryland case search is your friend. If he owes back child support, you might wanna know. If he has some domestic abuse charges from his ex, you definitely wanna know.
14. In 2012, no grown ass woman should be scared to ask a man to get tested. Take proper coochie protection measures. Just assume everyone has herpes and conduct yourself accordingly. Shit, half of them really do and just don’t know it.
15. If he doesn’t grab a condom without you suggesting it – run! He got cooties. He lives reckless. Either he has an STD or he has fucked up credit. Either way, its bad business shorty. Beware.